February 26, 2011
What a roller coaster yesterday was with trying to decide whether to rent the lake house or not. I was back and forth and couldn’t really put my finger on why except that it was just another big decision to make on my own with financial impact. After work yesterday I was ready to say no, but then I drove to the lake and stopped by the house to walk through it again. Long story short my new landlords spoke with me about it for over an hour; I cried (of course) and we all shared about how we have always been provided for through life’s hurts. Crazy. I felt such a burden lift as I realized that so much of my hesitation was still fear based: fear of not being provided for, of being left without. For some reason it I think it felt easier to trust God when I had no job and no plan, but when I have a job and a “plan” I grip even tighter onto the illusion that I have control. And suddenly it’s not so easy to trust because my eyes are on the waves of “what if.” God, you give me so much more than I need…all my fears today you gave answers to. You could have just made me face them all, but you were gracious enough to assure me in creative ways that I will be taken care of. Thank you.
February 26, 2012
And I have been taken care of. Not once in this past year have I regretted renting this cabin at the lake or worried that I might not have the funds to pay for living within it’s walls. It’s been all that I need and want as I’ve celebrated birthdays and holidays in it, entertained grandparents and babies, strangers and friends, made chicken noodle soup in the winter and mint mojitos in the summer, cleaned sometimes, cried a lot, laughed even more, cursed and prayed and sang. The availability of money hasn’t been such an issue for me as I feared it might be a year ago, but lately I’ve realized what a jaded relationship I have with the other facets of the almighty dollar. Now that I actually have some again, I find myself often wondering how to best manage it, enjoy it, share it, and use it, while futilely trying not to stress about it, pretend it’s not there or hate on the fact that it’s a necessary part of life. That’s been a particularly interesting challenge for me in light of the fact that for so many years money was just a number on a computer screen that went up and down or magically vanished completely depending on where in the gambling cycle my ex was. We never lived lavishly and never lived in poverty, but I also never really had the experience of actually spending accumulated hard earned dollars other than for the obvious needs; they would just disappear. Now I find myself wrestling with what to do with what I have. Pay down debt? Go on a vacation? Give more? Keep saving “just in case?” Invest? Buy more candy? Just like any relationship, I’m guessing my relationship with $ will keep growing and changing along with life’s circumstances…being a good steward of it will take some thought and hard work, teach me a ton about myself, expose what I truly value, and it will probably involve all of the aforementioned options, if not just more candy. Throughout this crazy learning curve called life, may I never forget that none of it is really mine.
“Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind.” - Melody Beattie
